BDSM 101: Intro & Fundamentals

What is BDSM?

When most people think of BDSM, they think of black leather, chains, whips, and handcuffs. It’s true that SOME people who like BDSM play do like wearing leather, but most don’t. And here’s one very important thing to say up front: healthy sexual BDSM always includes full consent of everyone involved.

BDSM is an acronym that refers to a wide array of sexual acts that can range from very light to extreme.

Have you ever slapped your partner’s ass? Ever used a blindfold? Ever told your partner what to do during sex? Ever held them down or been held down yourself? Scratched with fingernails or used an ice cube for sensation play? If you’ve done anything like this, then congratulations! You’ve explored BDSM.

*FYI: The 50 Shades of Grey movie is NOT an accurate depiction of healthy BDSM dynamics. 

Let’s explore the BDSM acronym:

Bondage:

Bondage refers to the act of of restraining somebody. This could be through the use of handcuffs, rope, zip-ties, saran wrap, chains, or even just holding someones hands down while you have sex with them.

Using a blindfold would fall into this category too, because it’s a form of sensory deprivation (restraint). Using a blindfold can be a delicious way to explore sex because when sight is limited, all of the other senses of the body get heightened, which can increase the capacity for pleasure.

Shibari is a beautiful form of bondage too. It’s an artistic and often erotic form of rope play, where the submissive person gets tied up in a visually beautiful series of knots. It’s physically dangerous, so it should ONLY be attempted by people who have received extensive training.

Discipline & Dominance:

These words are both included in the letter “D” in BDSM. Discipline is what it sounds like, where one person (the dominant) creates a set of rules for their partner (submissive) to follow. The dominant partner then will discipline the submissive partner if/when they break the rules.

Discipline Example:

One rule might be that the submissive person cannot orgasm without the permission of the dominant person. This can be a form of play called orgasm denial, and it can be highly erotic.

If the submissive partner breaks this agreed upon rule and orgasms without the dominant person’s permission, the submissive person might get punished according to the rules that they both agreed upon up front. (Spanking could be a possibility here).

Dominance Example:

Dominance goes hand in hand with submission, and this dynamic can create an incredibly sexy, safe and beautiful BDSM relationship. Being dominated (or dominating) is one of the most common sexual fantasies out there, and for good reason.

When a person is being dominated (in a safe and consensual way), they get to fully relax and surrender into the control of the dom (dominant person). Being fully relaxed and surrendered can be VERY relieving and pleasurable for anyone who wants to just let go.

It could be as simple as the dom telling the sub (submissive person) to take off their clothes and stand still, so the dom can look at the sub’s naked body.

The dom could tell the sub to masturbate, or perform oral sex, or give a non-sexual massage, or really anything that is within the set of agreements that were created before sex began. (This is part of the BDSM scene creation process, and we’ll cover this further down in this article.

Submission

This is where a person chooses to submit to the dominant person’s desires and instructions, within the context of their boundaries and agreements. Like I spoke to earlier, being in the submissive role can be highly magical and liberating… because you don’t have to be in charge. You just get to follow orders, rules & requests.

And as a submissive in a BDSM relationship, YOU are actually still the person in control of the situation. You get to say no or pause whenever you want… so you get to relax to the extent that feels comfortable, safe and pleasurable to you.

Sadism

This refers to the experience of feeling pleasure when causing someone else physical or emotional pain (again, we’re talking about a healthy and consensual BDSM relationship here). Some examples:

Impact Play: Spanking, flogging, slapping,

Erotic Humiliation: Name-calling, objectification, degradation, and/or any acts that involve the humiliation of the submissive person. (Yes, many people actually enjoy and get off on this).

Sensory Deprivation: In the context of sadism, the dominant person could experience pleasure by being in control of and limiting the senses of the submissive person.

Consensual Rape Play: After a pre-agreed upon set of conditions, boundaries and safe words are set between the dom and sub, a scene could be played out where the sub acts as if they are being forced to have sex or taken against their will, while the dom does the pre-agreed upon actions of “forcing” the sub to have sex with them.

This is a VERY tender situation, and should only be acted upon if you both really know what you’re doing. You can hear how I did this with a previous partner in my podcast about sexual trauma with therapist Papillon DeBoer.

Masochism

This refers to enjoyment and feelings of pleasure through receiving physical or psychological stimulation that may be painful or highly intense. This is basically the flip side of sadism, the other half that forms the S&M relationship.

This can range from enjoying receiving the impact play and erotic humiliation described above, to more extreme things like knife play and extreme temperature play where actual physical injury is part of the agreed-upon experience.

Common BDSM Practices:

Here’s a list of some of the most common practices you’ll find in the BDSM world.

• impact play (spanking, hitting, flogging, etc)
• role-playing fantasies (doctor, nurse, master, pet, etc)
• sensory deprivation (blindfolds, ear plugs, etc)
• bondage (handcuffs, tying to bed, restraining in some way)
• power play (dominant & submissive dynamics)
• pain play (everything from slapping to cutting with knives)
• temperature play (candle wax, ice cubes, warmed sex toys, etc)
• kinky play (whatever you can think of)
• bed restraints (a sexy form of bondage)
• rope play (Shibari)

etc…

Please Use a Safe Word (Important)

Sometimes BDSM involves power play where a “submissive person” might want to say “no” as part of the act of the scene, and might desire get overpowered while saying no. For example, say the scene is to act out a rape or forced sex scenario. Saying no will be part of the “act” of the scene.

AND it’s very important for the sub (and the dom too) to be able to stop the scene at any moment if they feel overwhelmed or unsafe or unsupported in any way at all. This is where a safe word comes in handy.

A safe word is a simple word you both agree upon ahead of time, with the agreement being if the word is spoken, all activity will pause.

Safe word examples: pineapple, flower, square, baseball

Interesting Alternative to a Safe Word:

In this episode Andre gave a really interesting alternative to the typical safe word concept. It’s one that I think I’ll explore sometime soon with my lover.

The alternative is to have the submissive person regularly say an agreed upon word at certain intervals to signify they’re still enjoying the experience. And the dominant person knows that if at any point the submissive stops saying this word at a certain interval, that the scene should be paused.

This can be a useful technique if the scene is an intense one, where the submissive person has a higher likelihood of feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes with intense scenes, it can be possible for the sub to go into a freeze response (a trauma response where they basically freeze up), and in that state it is very difficult to say a safe word. This is where the lack of the “yes” word IMPLIES the need to pause.

More Will Be Added to this Article Soon

Including topics like:

• Communication techniques for more pleasure
• BDSM Aftercare
• BDSM and Tantra
• How to create a BDSM scene
• and more

You can expect to see those topics here in mid-June of 2023.

Thank you!

-Taylor

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